Twenty-Four

On Gifts, Gratitude, and a New Life

Neatly placed beside my bed are two crocheted figures, a turtle and a dinosaur, both decorated in varying shades of blue.

They were gifts from my partner, Eyang, for my last two birthdays, including the most recent one just last Sunday. Eyang and I often create stories with them, along with a stuffed panda and owl that reside in her part of the world.

I know they can't move on their own, but to me, they feel alive. They are trustworthy companions who always sit beside me, whether I'm sleeping or silently reading a book in bed.

*

For my 24th birthday, my parents surprised me with pancakes and a steaming cup of hot chocolate from Jollibee. Even though I had stayed up late the night before, I woke up feeling energized to savor the meal.

As I sipped the last drops of my hot chocolate, my Mama entered the dining room with my Papa, happily singing "Happy Birthday." In her hands, she held what seemed like a small container, unveiling a bento cake adorned in my favorite shades of blue (everyone knows I love blue).

We placed a candle on the cake, and I made a wish before blowing out the flame.

I had a great birthday this year, one that was quite different from my usual celebrations.

In the past few years, my birthdays weren’t as joyful as I wanted them to be. I always placed high expectations on this special day, and nothing seemed to satisfy me.

My birthdays became an occasion where I yearned to be important to people. I had a strong desire to be treated as someone special by those closest to me, even if it was just for this one day of the year.

I used to tally up the number of friends who forgot to greet me instead of appreciating the many people who remembered. I also kept track of all the unfortunate events that seemed to occur "on this particular day," causing me to forget about the wonderful moments that did happen. As a result, I experienced many unhappy birthdays.

*

On the night of February 3rd, just a few hours before I turned 24, I began to feel the familiar anxiety that came to me every year. This time, however, I realized it’s time to confront the feeling. Why do I feel this every year?

I reached for my journal and started writing to gain clarity on my emotions. While journaling, memories flooded back to me about my childhood struggles to make friends. I was an awkward kid, often met with rejection for being different from everyone else.

I was the child who enthusiastically sang quirky made-up songs in the car, created peculiar sketches and invented superpowers in a notebook, and even acted like an anime character half of the time. It wasn’t hard to see why making friends was a struggle for seven-year-old Linart.

I felt the need to change who I was to fit into my environment. I had to learn how to appear more "normal," and in doing so, I discovered how to blend in by imitating what most people were doing.

Don’t get me wrong. This adaptation did help me create connections. I learned how to treat people better and to make an effort to maintain friendships. And it paid off.

Today, I’m surrounded by beautiful relationships that I have nurtured over the years. Yet, there’s still a part of me that feels an immense loneliness, and this pain seems to intensify only on my birthday. I realized that it was the part of me that never healed as I grew up.

With just a few pages left in my journal, I decided to give myself a gift. I wrote a letter to my seven-year-old self. A snippet of this letter reads:

“I want to tell you that everything is alright now. There’s no need to feel hurt or abandoned anymore.

This is your 24-year-old self assuring you that you’ll make many great friends along the way, some being friendships you would’ve never expected.

Your parents will continue to care for you in the years to come. You have a family that will learn to love you for who you truly are. And you’ll be surrounded by friends who will never leave you. They will care for you and treat you as someone valuable in their life. Because you are someone valuable.

You are living a good life. So cherish it and live it fully.

Never forget to be grateful for all the beautiful things you have now. You’ll receive love that is ever so priceless, and know that you truly deserve it.

So move forward and create beautiful stories. Happy birthday.”

*

This year, I decided to stop counting the greetings I didn’t get and focused instead on the blessings I get to enjoy.

The pancakes. The video greetings. The warm messages. All of them are gestures given to me by the people I love. I am blessed with an abundance of love.

As the final hours of my day drew nearer, I took a moment to lay in bed and admire my crocheted turtle and dinosaur. I noticed the intricate patterns that formed their skin and the vibrant colors chosen with great care. I imagined Eyang's delicate hands crafting them slowly and with great attention.

The author Robin Wall Kimmerer once wrote, "Each person, human or not, is bound to every other in a reciprocal relationship. Just as all beings have a duty to me, I have a duty to them. If I receive a stream's gift of pure water, then I am responsible for returning a gift in kind."

As I step into my 24th year and receive the gifts given to me with an open heart, I see it as my duty to celebrate the life I am fortunate to live and to always remember the goodness I encounter every day.

And the best part is that I now know that I never have to live this life alone. After all, I’ll always have a turtle and a dinosaur waiting for me by my pillows.

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How it’s going:

🎂 — I haven’t yet touched my bento cake and half of it was already eaten by my nephew (lol). I keep forgetting about it since it’s always bread and pastries for snacks. But maybe I’ll have a slice today.

🌱 — I spent the last two weeks taking a break from writing, wrecking my overly-structured routines, and deciding to limit coffee to only once a week (at most). I guess this is my year of saying no, but I bet something new and wonderful will come out of it.

🏋🏼 — At the start of the year, I told myself I’ll quit working out. Well, I decided to go back. I’m doing my version of the minimalist routine, which is basically just 5 reps of selected exercises and that’s it.

🍃 — I had my first therapy session two weeks ago, and it felt great! I’m having my second session this week. I’m thinking of doing this every two weeks for as long as I could sustain it.

📝 — If you’re from the Philippines, I’m thinking of holding review sessions for the UPCAT. Send me an email or reply to this post if you’ll be taking the test this year. I’d love to connect with you to see how I could help. 💙