Believe what is useful
On the importance of reframing your beliefs
These are the big decisions I’m thinking about: Should I quit my job? Should I go on a sabbatical? Should I try scaling my tutoring business?
I spent the last few weeks trying to make sense of these decisions. The best way to do this, I thought, is by asking, “What is the need I’m trying to get from these decisions?” The answer came to me during therapy. As surprising as it may sound, what’s actually behind this desire to blow up my life is my fundamental need to feel seen and loved by my father.
I want to quit my job because I don’t feel like I’m being seen at work. Since I’m working remotely, I’m the only team member who doesn’t go to the office and so I started feeling isolated. This makes it difficult for me to enjoy my work.
I want to go on a sabbatical because I want to leave home. Not because I’m mad at my parents, but because I want to be my own person and be less dependent on them for my needs, both physically and emotionally.
I want to scale my tutoring business because, well, I want to earn more money. When I ran the numbers, I found that I’d need ₱350,000 ($6,300) budget for a 3-month sabbatical.
These realizations made it clear to me that what I actually want is to move out and learn to live independently. Ideally, I want to be in a place where I’m surrounded by a community who could make me feel loved and appreciated.
While this sounds more simple, it still isn’t easy. I find myself asking more questions, like: How do I find the income to sustain living somewhere else? Where do I even live? And how do I find work that I can enjoy doing?
I started feeling stuck again. I don’t feel happy with where I am, and each passing day is quietly draining me more and more.
So what could I do?
How to reframe for a better life
This is what I learned from Derek Sivers: For every story that you tell yourself, there is always another version.
Back in high school, I used to think that all the girls who left me were bad people. I believed they liked me, so when they suddenly ghosted me, I couldn’t understand why. I started telling myself that they were just emotionally immature people. But now that I’m older, I realize I was pretty immature myself. Framing them as bad people was just my way of protecting myself from feeling hurt.
So what’s the lesson here? Our stories, memories, and beliefs are not always true. The mind likes to pick single moments and extract only what’s relevant to tell the stories we want to tell ourselves. This might sound like a bad thing, but I think it can actually be useful.
In a recent session, I told my therapist how heavy and difficult my current situation is. And maybe that’s true. But she also reminded me of the wonderful things in my life right now.
I have an income that allows me to go on a solo trip to see my friends. My brother is finally graduating next week. And I can be proud of this milestone because I helped support his education.
I’m living a good life and a hard life. Both can be true at the same time.
I find it silly how I was only focusing on the struggles. But now, I have a perspective that feels more inspiring. So I started wondering, what if I could also reframe my other beliefs into a version that’s more useful to me?
Here’s an experiment I tried to achieve this:
Write down beliefs you deeply believe in or hold closely as part of your story.
Choose one that you’d like to reframe.
Reflect on these questions:
Why do I believe this is true?
How might this not be true?
How can I reframe this in a way that is useful to me right now?
If I believed in this reframe instead, how would my day/life look like?
You can do this as many times as you like. In my case, I chose three that resonated with me:
My most important need cannot be met while I’m living at home.
If I’m not in the mood to do something, doing it won’t feel fun.
It will take me a lot of time and effort to write a piece I’m comfortable publishing.
I picked the first because it’s related to my big decisions. The second was blocking my personal projects. And the third felt important because I want writing to feel lighter and more enjoyable, so I can share more of my stories.
Here’s how the experiment went for me.
1/ My most important need cannot be met while I’m living at home
Why do I believe this is true?
I learned from therapy that being seen and loved by Papa is still my number one need of all time. I’ve started seeing him express his love in the ways he knows how (buying me food, helping me solve problems, driving for me when I travel), but I’m still trying to accept that he can’t express it in the ways I need him to (words of affirmation, emotional presence).
Part of how this need can be met is by being surrounded with good friends. The problem is that most of them are not in Catbalogan, so I don’t really see them a lot. And thus, I believe I can’t have my needs met while I stay at home.
I feel the pain of isolation and loneliness while I’m staying at home. The deep yearning to connect and feel seen by others is real.
How might this not be true?
Actually, I remember during the pandemic I was able to connect with friends despite staying at home for two years. Why was I okay back then? Because I was always finding ways to connect with people. I was chatting with batchmates about homework, problem sets, and exams that make us wanna rip our hair off. There were online communities that were active at the time, so I get to interact with my friends regularly.
Most of my friends are not in Catbalogan, but it doesn’t mean I can’t make friends while I’m staying here. I can meet and talk to new people.
Yes, it’s hard to make friends without organic communities (e.g. active group chats, social events, online classes). But there are communities I can try joining that I haven’t explored yet. Maybe I can try attending the writing sessions with Write of Passage alumni? Or maybe I can explore Discord groups? Or join a cohort-based course?
I haven’t yet tried being more proactive in connecting with my friends. Before, I used to have 10+ messages in my inbox every morning because of classes and orgs, so I get to interact with all kinds of people. What if I start reaching out more often?
How can I reframe this in a way that is useful to me right now?
No matter where I am in the world, there are people who can make me feel seen and loved.
If I believed in this reframe instead, how would my day/life look like?
This might mean I’d chat with friends more often. I might send kind messages when I remember someone I appreciate.
I would try calling the people I’m closest to more often. I’d be making the effort to connect with them instead of only doing it every once in a while. I could have fun and meaningful conversations despite the interaction being online. I might even try scheduling regular catch up calls if they’re open!
I might try volunteering in my city to interact with more people. I might find a community I can belong to while I’m staying here. What if I apply as a part-time intern at a local business, even if I have to work for free?
I would express my needs more openly to Eyang, so she can help fill my cup.
I would spend more time bonding with my siblings and having more conversations with them. Trying to make the effort to get to know them like I would a friend.
2/ If I’m not in the mood to do something, doing it won’t feel fun
Why do I believe this is true?
I have a history of pushing myself to exhaustion. Even when it feels incredibly difficult or the task is starting to feel painful, I’ve been able to keep grinding and still get things done.
Doing this for over 5 years, I kept burning out. It isn’t fun, and I don’t want to experience it again.
I struggle remembering a time when grinding felt enjoyable. It felt relieving at the end because I made progress, but the fact that I feel relief and not aliveness is saying a lot.
How might this not be true?
I don’t need to grind or push myself to the brink of exhaustion. I can just try doing something for like 15 minutes and I can stop when it doesn’t feel good by then.
There was a time I tried an experiment to activate flow on command. Rian Doris, a flow researcher, suggested starting a task within a minute of waking up. So one morning, I began writing right away. At first, I felt groggy. But I kept going anyway. After about 15 minutes, I got into a rhythm. The words started to flow naturally, and it actually felt pretty fun.
Back in college, I had to wake up earlier than usual to attend morning classes. The grogginess would always get to me, and I couldn’t pay attention well enough even if I wanted to. It didn’t feel good, and all I wanted was to go back to sleep. But in some math class, my teacher would present a theorem with an interesting perspective. I remember feeling my eyes light up every time. I was eager to know the proof.
Writing this essay wasn’t fun at the start. I was feeling a bit sleepy after walking under the hot sun to arrive at King Bean Cafe. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to write, but after listening to a Derek Sivers podcast and just writing a couple words, I discovered something interesting while writing. It was a new perspective that made me go, “Wow, I never thought of it that way before.” I had an alarm set for 25 minutes because I treated it as a pomodoro session, but I kept going even after the alarm rang. I got into a flow, and writing felt fun.
I never know what I might find when I do something even when I’m not in the mood. This is a great motivator for me because I enjoy discovering something I’ve never seen, heard, or thought of before.
How can I reframe this in a way that is useful to me right now?
When I do something even if I don’t feel like it, I always discover something fun or interesting.
If I believed in this reframe instead, how would my day/life look like?
I would start doing things more often. I will try doing something for a couple minutes and it might suck at first, but I will stay long enough to see something interesting arrive.
I feel like if I follow this belief, I can actually find more joy in my work. Because I get to discover more things. For example, doing this exercise and writing this essay has shifted some beliefs I hold onto for a long time.
There may be times when I do something for a couple minutes and still feel the suck. When that happens, I would just quit. By the end of it, I would have learned something anyway. I wonder why I didn’t enjoy it this time? How do I want to change my approach in the future? In that way, I never really lose lol. The game is rigged in my favor.
3/ It will take me a lot of time and effort to write a piece I’m comfortable publishing
Why do I believe this is true?
Every time I’ve tried to write before, it always took me more than a day. Usually, it might take a week to get a good piece of writing out, one that I can be happy and satisfied with.
All of the times I tried writing for the sake of publishing were painful and hard. I don’t remember a time when it felt fun and easy.
My initial ideas aren’t good enough usually, and I usually criticize my work because of it. Because of this, I have to spend a long amount of time polishing my work.
All the other writers I know spend time writing and so if they have trouble with it, I probably would too since I’m not a pro writer.
The things I say, especially at the start, don’t feel compelling or valuable enough so I feel like just deleting it and rewording and restructuring the writing.
When I read the essays I like, they all feel like they were crafted with care. Every word seemed polished. And the longer somebody wrote a piece, the higher the quality of the writing.
How might this not be true?
I’ve never tried publishing much shorter than I would have liked. All my essays seemed to be filled with big ideas and they’re often more than one.
Whenever I chat with friends, what I say isn’t usually polished and I tend to go in tangents. But they always pick up something valuable anyway. What I’m saying is useful because I’m sharing what feels true to me at the moment.
I know Ali Abdaal doesn’t spend much time in writing his newsletters before. He was just sharing what felt most useful and relevant to him at the time.
I very much enjoy reading Ali’s newsletter posts even if they weren’t as polished because they feel more human and honest.
How can I reframe this in a way that is useful to me now?
My writing is most valuable when I offer only what is honest to me right now.
If I believed in this reframe instead, how would my day/life look like?
This might mean I can write whatever I want, whenever I want. There is no pressure at all to share something valuable, just something honest.
I start valuing the here and now. When I write about what is present, I don’t look for anything outside of my current capacity. I don’t need to do research, or write about a topic where I don’t have much to say. I can only offer what I can give right now. And that feels more freeing and more inviting to me because there is no need to impress or pretend to be somebody I am not.
My writing becomes more valuable to me. When I share exactly what feels honest and true, I get a view of what my inner world actually looks like. What matters to me. What resonates. I get to cultivate my taste, and see it for what it is. I get to recognize myself more, which I do think is important.
On the other hand, I’m pretty sure some subscribers will go away. I might lose people who are not that interested. But hey, I think the people who have been following my story would love a less filtered view of my life. I personally would like that for the other writers I admire. Getting to know someone, and seeing them for who they are. I think the world would be a much better place if we express more of who we are.
It’s useful to notice
The reframes I created are not necessarily true. That’s the point. Reframing isn’t about being right. It’s about choosing a perspective that’s useful.
Take my second reframe, for example: “When I do something even if I don’t feel like it, I always discover something fun or interesting.” It’s not always true. But it’s useful to me because I tend to do the opposite (not doing something when I’m not in the mood).
There’s a risk that I could slip back into the hustle culture route if I push myself too much. And if that happens, the reframe might stop being useful. But that’s okay. I don’t have to hold on to it forever. I can just reframe it again if I want to.
What I love most about the experiment is that it’s already helped me. I was able to publish again. Lately, I’ve been having trouble with writing, mostly because I feel scared about burning myself out again, like I did after writing 33 weekly essays and needing a 6-month break. But this time, I was surprised to see it doesn’t have to be so hard after all.
And then in my career, I’m currently in the final stages of applying for a consulting role. There are many factors I’m considering, and one of them is the cost of moving to Metro Manila. When I asked some of my friends, I found that it would likely incur an additional P20,000 to P40,000 ($350 to $700) in monthly expenses. I’m not sure if the job offer could cover that, so I started worrying I might not be able to move out soon.
That’s why reframing my current situation as “I can have my needs met no matter where I am in the world” is incredibly useful to me. It gives me comfort that I’ll be okay even if I stay at home. I think I do still want to move out, but I don’t feel the same pressure and urgency anymore.
That said, I had a lot of fun doing the reframing exercise. There are more beliefs I‘d like to challenge, but I feel satisfied for now. After all, I got to publish this piece and I feel myself changing already.
The idea behind this essay came from Derek Siver’s latest book, “Useful, Not True.” I bought myself a physical copy because: 1) I love Derek Sivers, and 2) I value the idea of reframing especially at a time when it’s important to adapt to changes.
If you’d like to buy the book, you can buy your own copy here (not an affiliate link): https://sive.rs/u
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this is wonderful Linart. realizing the need for change and changing through reframing your mindset. having the needs met no matter where you are in the world is powerful and I would say the solutions to your needs are not out there somewhere in the opposite of the world, but they are already inside you. everything can be reframed, reimagined, and re-invented.
As always, we're thinking about similar things. Proud of how far you've come Linart